Ceremony to Commemorate the Death of a Beloved One 

Essence: Honor

       This type of loss is one of the most difficult events in the human experience. When a loved one dies, especially if the death was sudden and unexpected, it often takes years of grieving to achieve balance and function again in one’s life. You are never really the same again. You don’t “get over it”. The event integrates within your life perhaps, and perhaps you are able to achieve a healthier perspective, but your life is changed. The hope is to recover in a way where you make an active choice to trust that there is “good” in life again.
       Many people who have suffered a traumatic loss are unable to live productive lives, seemingly thwarted at every turn. They often unwillingly re-create the pattern of loss and sense of being a helpless victim over and over again in their lives, in an unconscious attempt to make sense of what happened. Well meaning friends and counselors may say things like, “everything happens for a reason,” or “trust in the divine plan,” but these comments are usually not helpful and typically do not facilitate a pathway out of the sadness and despair. Sometimes these comments can fuel the fire of anger, further isolating the individual from connection and human contact. One of the most common experiences that is articulated by people who have experienced traumatic loss is the difficulty of comments made that are meant to be helpful but are not.
       The ceremony outlined below is designed to deal with traumatic loss several months or years after it has occurred. It is a ritual to complete on a day that has meaning for you personally. Perhaps it is the anniversary of the loss. Perhaps it is a special day that you and your beloved shared each year, or a once in a lifetime shared experience. It is important that you select a day that is meaningful to you, and that you perform this ceremony with a sense of honoring the person’s life that you were fortunate enough to share. 

Preliminary Exercise:

       The first step in this particular commemoration is to choose a day in which to honor your loved one by completing this ceremony. Anniversaries of tragic deaths can be power packed with emotion. Many persons experience intense memories on anniversaries, where years later they are flooded with the images and feelings of that crystalline moment. If at all possible, choose an anniversary where you recall a moment of joy, of tenderness, of connection—this will assist in your own healing greatly. Again, the choice is yours to contemplate. Spend some time making this discernment. Even if you decide upon the anniversary date of the actual loss, reflect upon a time when you and your beloved one shared a positive and joyful experience.
      After you have made your decision, journal freely about what you remember. What do you want to commemorate? Describe all of the details that you can recall, and make connections to broader implications.  If you feel more comfortable expressing in a different medium, such as making a collage or painting a picture, reflect in a similar manner regarding the commemoration.
      The outcome of this time spent in reflection is to discover the core of what you desire to be brought back into your life. This core is the essence of that which nurtured you while you enjoyed the relationship with the person you loved very deeply.
       An example is provided below to illustrate how this reflection can lead to the identification of the sensations that you wish re-create within your life. The implications of the loss will lead you to a place where you can honor your beloved by beginning to build and create, given the essence of your shared experience.
       For example, if your father died suddenly when you were thirteen years old and you reflect upon the time when you recall your father took you to a special sporting event, you may want to write down everything you can remember about that event. Perhaps you don’t recall the exact date, but you know it was a baseball game in the early spring. Choose a date in the early spring as the day to complete this ceremony to honor your father.
       As you recall the excitement and the wonderful feelings of that special day with your father, become the young child for a few minutes, and consider these feelings and memories. To make connections to broader implications, you may think about how you have always wished you could feel that kind of excitement again, the excitement you felt as a young child going into a stadium to see the game. Taking this deeper, you see yourself constantly seeking that thrill in your present life. You may also realize that because you felt such love at that time, you are longing to create that type of love in your own marriage. You also admit that you want to be nourished and taken care of—it is a simple and very basic desire. Although you may feel a bit old fashioned admitting this, it is important to allow yourself to understand the implications of these very powerful feelings. This is what you lost, and this is what you are constantly trying to create again.
       After writing and reading over your notes, compile the summary of those thoughts, that is, the implications of the loss. Write these on a small piece of paper, as “desires.”  An example from the above scenario:        Now you are ready to complete the ceremony on the date you have selected. If the date is not for several months and you have a feeling that you would like to perform the ceremony now, by all means do so. The energy and meaning of the ceremony will help you heal at any time. 

The Commemoration Ceremony

Materials:

 

Ceremonial Flow:

  1. In a sacred space where you won’t be disturbed, arrange the materials on a small table surface.
  1. Pause, Clear, Deepen…
  1. Light a white candle and recall with love the wonderful sensations of that special day you shared with this person. As you light the match, consider that you are calling that person’s soul to yours at that moment, so that they also can share in the remembrance.
  1. On a small piece of paper, write a short note of thanks to this person for the gifts they gave to you in the time you shared with them.
  1. Imagine this note being transmitted as a message to this person’s soul. Feel them receive it with surprise and delight. They are now present with you to witness you create your next step in healing.
  1. Look at your list of “desires” from the preliminary exercise. State in a positive manner the desires as if they exist throughout your life now. (“I feel excitement and thrill in my life.” “I am nourished and cared for.” “I am safe.”) Write these positive statements on a new piece of paper and read each statement three times.
  1. Say the following blessing:
  1. Conclude the ceremony by spending time in reflection. When you feel ready, blow out the candle while saying,

Continued Energetic Effect:

       Place the paper with the positive statements in a special box or container to re-open on the next anniversary. Lighting a candle and reading the statements once a month will accelerate the healing and energetically bring these experiences into your being.
       If you would like to change the desires, add dates, or journal about additional memories, please follow your own ideas. The key is to allow yourself to feel the special gifts and to honor the person who gave you those gifts by continuing to integrate them into your life.


Rebecca Burns © 2007